The conversation surrounding sexual abuse and harassment continues, as it seems this time of reckoning is long overdue. While many articles written about this watershed moment ask questions concerning the women involved, it’s crucial that we don’t forget what this is really about: men behaving badly.

Over the past several months, we’ve witnessed a barrage of public figures being exposed (and the list grows almost daily). While there’s been a wide range of levels of offense (none of them acceptable), for the purpose of this article, I will be focusing on the most egregious type of abusive behavior, and more specifically, what is at the root of it all. How on earth could people like Harvey Weinstein & Matt Lauer commit such atrocious acts for years on end? How is it that the horrifying details of these scandals are not a fictionalized account but are instead someone’s actual experience?

These are complex issues, and finding ways to resolve these challenges requires that we look at a variety of underlying factors that give way to such wide-scale and systematic abuse:

Childhood Issues

It cannot be overstated how much a man’s upbringing influences his character. As a therapist who counsels individuals who’ve been deeply wounded by others, I am certain that the troubling (and often criminal) actions of these serial abusers can be traced back to childhood. This does not in any way absolve them of responsibility, but it does give us key insights into the root of the behavior.

Individuals who grow up to become sexual offenders have had traumatic experiences (some combination of emotional/ verbal, physical, sexual abuse) growing up where they witnessed and/or experienced abuse themselves. As a result, they became emotionally detached from the emotional experiences (pain) of others. It’s likely that they learned to be a bully early on by manipulating other children on the playground or in other social situations (even in their own families), and that the more power they were able to exert over others, the more and more they craved further power. This boils down to the misuse of power, which is what “bullying” is all about. While it’s impossible to know all the specifics concerning an abusers upbringing, it’s almost guaranteed that a man who behaves inappropriately as an adult (particularly as a repeat offender) got his start young.

Lack of Empathy

One of the defining traits of a narcissist is a total lack of empathy. Men who behave badly (i.e. are abusive to others) are often completely disconnected from another person’s feelings or sense of well-being; they simply do not care about someone else’s experience. This can be a difficult concept to grasp for individuals who feel even the smallest bit of compassion for others, but men who behave badly are generally not concerned about other people (aside from how they can exploit them).[pullquote]I am certain that the troubling (and often criminal) actions of these serial abusers can be traced back to childhood. This does not in any way absolve them of responsibility, but it does give us key insights into the root of the behavior.[/pullquote]

These issues can again often be traced back to childhood. Perhaps when these men were boys, they never saw empathy modeled in action by the adults in their lives (particularly from their fathers). Maybe they were implicitly taught to put themselves above others, and that the only thing that mattered was their own personal gain, even at the expense of others. It may not be possible to pinpoint the exact details concerning the origin of an offender’s deviant behavior, but I am nearly certain that it can be rooted back to his upbringing.

Violators Know No Bounds

As some of the details of these sordid behaviors become public knowledge, we see over and over again that men who behave badly can be extremely brazen in their actions. Emboldened by a conflict-avoidant culture and the use of fear and intimidation to silence their victims, criminals / abusers push boundaries beyond what may even seem imaginable. Sexual assault in one’s office, rape in a hotel room, and meddling in the career of someone who puts up a fight are just a few tactics that we’ve seen.

And while these men may act as monsters in private, in public they are quite good at playing the part of the charmer (few would argue that Matt Lauer is very physically handsome). It’s a game

 of deception, and men who behave badly are master plays who have years of experience perfecting their craft. Similarly, they may at times only slightly push boundaries. Maybe it’s a catcall, maybe a seemingly harmless double entendre in the workplace, or maybe some other behavior that’s just enough to make women feel uncomfortable but perhaps not enough to make them feel like they’ve truly been violated. This is not to imply that someone who tells a sexual joke should be linked in with a serial abuser, but it is meant to illustrate that men who behave badly can tailor their words and behavior to fit certain situations so as not to get caught.

There’s a lot more to unpack as we are seeing a tsunami of change when it comes to how we talk about sexual abuse, boundaries, and gender roles. I encourage you to stay with us as we continue to explore these important topics.

For Further Reading:

“Should Women Come Forward?”

“Sexual Abuse, #MeToo, and What We Can Do”

“Narcissism: The Relationship Killer”

Empowering Families By Strengthening Girls & Women

At Warrenton Women’s Counseling Center, we work with girls of all ages (teenagers, adult women, mothers, and daughters). Our work is done face-to-face, online or via phone. We would love to hear from you and help to empower you and/or your daughter.
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Michelle Kelley, LCSW is a licensed counselor and  owner of Warrenton Women’s Counseling Center. We work with girls and women of all ages.  Our motto is to empower families by strengthening girls and women. For more information, call (540) 316-6362 or email Michelle@WarrentonWomensCounselingCenter.com